“That thing’s riding him!”

Okay, I admit it. I’ve been kind of a bitch while playing Left 4 Dead 2 today.

I’ve been unable to keep my thoughts from straying. All my worries, financial and social, have been pressing on me. I know there are things I really need to do but just thinking about them makes me so tense and anxious I’m ready to be sick on the toilet.

As usual my boyfriend’s kept me company for as much as possible, but timezones are terrible things. With him staying up late and now sleeping until I don’t know when, I’ve very few people to talk to.  Even when I get to talk to people, I just feel like a burden with my thoughts, so I tend to keep quiet.

Where knitting usually occupies my mind, I find myself stuck in a resounding silence that just echoes all my thoughts when I’m doing something that doesn’t require nearly all my senses. I’ll just do my thing, and BOOM, my mind is flooded with all my bad thoughts and worries and just working on the socks or scarf doesn’t do anything to quiet them. Background music grows stale and annoying, movies don’t manage to hold my focus.

I feel like I could scream and it wouldn’t make a sound.

Does that make any sense?

I didn’t want this post to turn out so terribly depressing, but I suppose my blog is here mainly for me to slather my feelings all over rather than keep them in.

The thing is that playing games that require me to interact with people sometimes helps too. And so did Left 4 Dead 2, one of my favorite shooter games. So I set up and joined a couple of games throughout the day so that my brain has no room for thought while the game retains my interest (which, just like with movies, sometimes fails because it can be quite repetitive).

When I’m in that state of mind I rush ahead and do my thing. I know I started out being terrible at the game, but I somehow can’t scrape up enough sympathy towards other players who can’t keep up anyway. It annoys me when they lag behind and loiter outside of the saferooms, doing things they could be doing inside. They’re just standing out there being prey to the zombies like idiots and holding up the game for the rest of the group.

Being the awfully mean person I am, that prompts me to kick them from the server. Naturally this isn’t always met with… understanding.

I engaged in heated debates on a different site’s community for the sake of keeping me occupied somewhere in between the game sessions. I guess I should feel like a terrible person for ruining people’s days and calling them names, but the truth is I don’t. I just can’t care for it anymore.


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