To be honest, this week has been the worst for me in quite some time. There’s so much stress I sometimes feel I’m going to burst and my inner self will just goo all over the place like an overdue Halloween decoration. Let’s see if I can compose a list of things.
– Boyfriend had duty Monday, slept all day and night Wed>Thurs, has a 90% chance of working Saturday and has duty again on Sunday. I know this hardly sounds like the end of the world, but as someone dependent on some sort of structure, sudden changes are hard to digest.
– Power went out again and I had to deal with crazy neighbors because our electrical situation is terrible with no solution in the foreseeable future. I’m afraid to turn on my lights for fear the main fuse will blow, nevermind heat up something in the microwave or use my oven.
– My internet keeps dropping constantly. I’m so sick of it. It happens at times when I need it the least, and it’s eaten deeply into my time with my boyfriend and my overseas friends. I’m smart, I studied IT, I can fix almost any computer problem, but networking can get pretty far out of my league. I’m at my wit’s end here because I can’t find any reason why it’s not working the way it should. It’s driving me insane.
– Panic attacks. Oh lord the panic attacks. I just can’t relax or get my mind off my looping thoughts and I’m so tense I make it hard for myself to breathe and I don’t even realize it.
– Sleep is a pretty fleeting something. I’m so tired but I have nightmares or uncomfortable dreams the moment I close my eyes. What little sleep I get usually isn’t regenerating in the least. If I take sleeping pills I don’t function for two days straight so they’re not an option if I want to keep my head straight(ish).
– Depression is sending me into bouts of extreme unhappiness. I’m not saying I’m suicidal, because I’m not sick enough yet to defy my brain’s instinct for survival. I do however constantly question my value and purpose as a human being and I’m seeing situations from the most negative viewpoint possible. I’ve broken down almost every day this week and unloaded onto my boyfriend or my close friend because I don’t understand why they stick to someone so broken as me. It just becomes too much when I put everything together. Sometimes it seems easier to stay in bed and not get up ever again. So what if I starve to death? Worse ways to die. Eventually I drag myself out for the sake of the people around me, but if it was up to me alone I wouldn’t.
I’m tired. So tired. I had three good moments this week that lasted about 30 minutes total. I feel like I’m stuck in a tar pit for the rest of it with no way out.
I’m still in bed right now. I messed up something fierce last night with a bunch of people and I don’t even know how to begin facing them. I can’t tell whether I was right or wrong. I can’t tell if the thoughts and suspicions in my head are in any way even remotely valid. I’ve lost my perception of where my depression fueled thoughts end my rational thoughts begin. I want to hide and pretend I don’t exist so I don’t have to keep breaking my head over this.