Slow turnings

I’m getting a little tired of posting about my depression/anxiety/everything that is wrong with me. Every time I write about it I feel like a broken record. However, bottling it all up and letting it churn in my head has brought me nothing good either, so I suppose if there’s nothing to lose but a few minutes of my day it can’t be that bad.

There are only very few people who know how about how poorly I’m doing. I’ve become really good at pretending nothing is wrong, especially towards my family and friends. That doesn’t change the fact that my feelings have apparently seeped through in all the things I say or do however. People are worried.

Last night, I had a long and emotional talk with a friend that revealed to me how much my social life has been affected by this. I expected the anger and frustration and I’m not angry with my friend for feeling this way. I’m still waiting for them to get a chance to read what I wrote, but hearing the truth about how people see me and how I’ve made them feel hurts a lot.

The big question that seems to pop up a lot is ‘why now’ and I honestly don’t know for sure. I suspect that since I broke up with my ex and then started dating my current boyfriend, I’ve been more honest with myself and him. I’m no longer letting it all simmer on the inside like I used to, but I’m explaining myself constantly so that he knows he isn’t doing anything wrong, it’s just me going through all this. I have such a good thing going with him that I don’t want to ruin it by saying “I’m okay” when I’m obviously not and making him doubt himself.

The downside is that when you open a high pressure valve, it’s really hard to moderate or even stop everything that comes pouring out. I’m less restrained, especially on high emotional outbursts.

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