True loneliness

One of the reasons I love my boyfriend as much as I do is because he is honest with me. He’s direct. He doesn’t bullshit around or pretends that everything is okay when it’s not. Instead of giving me motivational quotes, his first thoughts are dedicated to finding a realistic solution to the problem that is feasible. He knows that sometimes you just need someone to be with you, and that sitting together in silence knowing the other is there can be more comforting than any lengthy discussion in the world.

I’ve become really used to having this in the last 4-5 months. Now that he’s not around, I’m struggling to find something to hold on to. I’m torn out of my routine, I’m talking to a wall most of the time and the one person close to me who understands me and helps me manage myself is working shifts that don’t mesh with my schedule, or what’s left of it.

The past couple of months I’ve withdrawn from a lot of people because I don’t have the energy to talk about this in an actual conversation. Even if I did, what’s the point? Most don’t know what to say. Most feel like I’m expecting ‘the answer’ and am waiting for them to have it. Others try to cheer me up in ways that only make me frown and withdraw back into my shell because they don’t understand, despite their best intentions, missing their target by miles.

I thought I was doing really well, but I’m on the brink of breaking down completely.

I haven’t eaten more than two slices of toast and a handful of potato chips in the last 14 hours. I know my body is hungry, but I’m not. The thought of eating makes me ill. I keep getting to the brink of tears only to fight them back down, but it really just makes my chest feel tight. I’m tense and exhausted, but the boulder of lead in my stomach won’t allow me to lay down and rest.

Ultimately, I feel alone. I don’t know where it went wrong. I’m completely out of sync with people I call friends. I try to strike up a conversation, but it feels forced and unnatural. All it does is make me think they don’t really care. If I were to fall off the face of the planet, it wouldn’t impact their life much at all. I’ve treated them like crap through all my issues, so why should they miss me? I can’t tell if this is true or not.

If I want to survive my boyfriend’s deployment this summer, I need more than what I have now. I feel like I’ve got nothing. Knitting, movies, games, these are all fillers to distract me from the horrible truth that there are only 2 people in this world I feel truly connected to, and they’re both a world apart. I’ve come to rely on them to be happy and have purpose, but that’s not a healthy way of living. I should be strong and independent without them, make my own happiness happen.

So why can’t I?

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