You are honestly one of my very best friends. I’m so very, very happy that you came into my life. You understand me in amazing ways, and even when you don’t, I never feel judged because you know that I am whatever it is I’m going to be. The care and affection I get from you is astounding. All of your ups and downs and joys and sadnesses are my own as well, because of the thought that you give me as a person. I am fiercely loyal to you.
There have been many moments in my life where I questioned the importance of my existence. I knew I would never be a successful business person, dragging in millions upon millions for a company I don’t care for. In fact, I saw myself as an insignificant human being just working a dead-end job to bring in money to pay the bills, only to live a bleak and meager life. For the longest time I felt like I didn’t matter. Who would miss me if I suddenly get hit by a car and don’t live to tell the tale? Who cares whether I’m happy or devastated, run into the ground? Somehow I had convinced myself that people were nice to me so they could use me for the few skills I had, but beyond that I was unimportant.
I know better now. I know my value in life, to the people who love me and whom I love. However, when I have particularly bad days these thoughts still tend to creep into my head and tear me up inside. My mind convinces me that everyone will get over it if I die.
Today has marked the 4th day since I last heard from my boyfriend and it’s eating at me so badly. I know he’s alright and very busy – I obsessively stalk his ship’s Facebook page to check for any announcements of accidents or attacks. They’re just doing a lot of things, and I know he doesn’t have the time to sit down and say hi. But we’ve been together almost a year now (in 10 days, as a matter of fact) and we’ve never gone more than 2 days without at least emailing each other. It’s so hard. I love him so much that I’m afraid to go to bed because I’m not sure if I can handle another morning waking up to an empty inbox.
Combine these feeling with my depression, anxiety and a crappy internet connection that makes it extremely hard to do my job, my mind wanders very far to places it shouldn’t go. I hate it and try to pull back, but sometimes it doesn’t work.
And then this fell randomly into my lap. I didn’t know how much I needed to hear it, but once I did I couldn’t keep myself from crying. I’ve never been anything but myself with my friends, and here it is – a validation that everything I am is so important to another human being. That no matter how far away he is, no matter what happens in my life, my friends are here to pick me up and dust me off. This kind of friendship is what makes life worth living and I hope I will continue to be worthy of it.