Always churning

It’s just a little past 1am while I’m sitting here at my desk, drinking tea that is bitter from having steeped too long and admitting to myself that my anxiety and depression is catching up to me again. It sucks.

Sleep either comes in brief, multiple naps throughout the day or 10 hour minimum periods. I’m so easily tired that I sometimes crawl into bed at 3pm and don’t wake up until…. well, somewhere around now. Sometimes I go to bed at 10pm and wake up four hours later, wide awake and unable to sleep more, but still exhausted.

I have work to do. My friend needs me and it’ll earn me money I really need to feed myself with. Every time I sit down to do it, ready to type, ready to design, my brain stutters and shuts down. At the same time I’ve been blogging away furiously day after day on issues that make my blood boil, chipping in where I don’t need to chip in, effectively pouring my energy into a black hole. It doesn’t satisfy me to bitch and be upset, but small things send me flying into the world and yelling along with billions of other people without being heard. It’s hard to control so much churning anger and upset and put it to use on productive things.

Next week, a debt collector is dropping by to take possession of my things. Although I will be moving my valuables someplace else to avoid losing them, it still stresses me out that I’m unable to strike a payment plan with them because I’m still without disability. It takes 1-2 months for that shit to go through and it’s time I don’t have with all this on my roof.

I’m trying to validate my course voucher but the site has been unresponsive for the past hour or so. More stress, as it expires on the 23rd and it makes me panic.

My best bet is to take it day by day right now.

The loaf of bread I baked is already gone. It’s so delicious that not even feeling shitty could stop me from eating, which is good. Tomorrow (or today, technically) is the local farmer’s market, which means I’m getting some fresh fish for brunch. In the afternoon I’ve decided I’m going to try and bake buns with the ciabatta flour. One day at a time.

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