Battery depleted

So, I counted. Ten appointments in the last four weeks. Ten. It’s nothing short from a miracle that I’m still here and functioning at all. Apparently I’m really good at pretending everything is okay, because I keep running into the issue that I feel people don’t believe I’m really sick, despite the paperwork that says otherwise from two different therapists. You’ve no idea how tiring it is to try and convince people over and over again that you’re not fit to function in society unless you’ve been there yourself. (Does that sound elitist? It probably sounds elitist.)

I wish I didn’t have to go through all of this. My boyfriend’s miserable on deployment, I’m miserable trying to sort out my life, and not having him around for the majority of the day is wearing me down so thin it sometimes gets hard to breathe. I’ve had trouble sleeping because I keep analyzing and replaying my appointments, wondering if I fucked up, wondering if I did something so terrible it will undo all the effort I put into all the ongoing processes so far.

I know it’s probably fine, but I can’t get my brain to shut up.

I keep falling into random bouts of crying, especially during appointments. It’s annoying and stressful on its own. Crying takes away precious energy that I don’t have, but I can’t stop it.

In the back of my mind I keep wondering if I’m heading back towards the place where I stopped going outside because I was afraid I’d throw myself in front of a car in a moment of weakness. It sure feels that way. I hope I can get a hold of a therapist soon again because wherever I’m going, it’s the wrong way.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Battery depleted

  1. you are going to be OK. it sounds to me like you need sleep. do everything you can to relax thoroughly before you go to bed, practice relaxation meditation. You will get through this and be OK.

    • Thank you for the kind words. I’m having a hard time relaxing because the moment I rest, everything floods my brain and I don’t know how to turn that off. I’m doing my best to hang in there though.

      • I hear you – sometimes that happens to me, about work or other problems. I learned a trick (on a detective show, of all things) for sort of self-hypnosis – lie there, ready to sleep, and concentrate on your breathing. When you breathe in, count one, when you breathe out, count two. So essentially, you lie there going 1 2 1 2 1 2. And you have to keep bringing your mind back to that when it wanders to your troubles, but as crazy as it sounds, it works! I always fall asleep when I do that. It just takes practice to keep counting and not thinking about all that comes into your head when you hold still.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s