Sugar and spice

This week has been one of those ‘everything happens at once’ weeks. My life feels like a tornado and it’s hard to keep my grasp on everything that’s going on. It’s tempting to let go, but I’m more terrified of what will happen when I crash than what will happen if I hang on tight. I guess that’s one plus point in this chaos.

I’ve finally been put on a new type of disability that properly recognizes my problems. Getting there was intense, but I made it through, even if it still feels unreal. A ‘requirement’ for this disability is that I at least try to participate in what they call social activation. I’ve become a hermit, which is making all my mental condition worse. I avoid social situations with strangers and even sometimes require 3-4 days to plan a trip to the grocery store for a carton of milk. The activation occurs in a place that is basically a living room environment. It’s warm, comfortable and much unlike a ‘cold’, business like therapy place that I’m used to.

The staff are very nice. They’re respectful of boundaries and there are no real obligations. If I have a day where I can’t go for whatever reason, whether that’s my anxiety being too high or I’m too down in the slumps, I don’t have to go. There’s no pressure and that makes it much easier for me to buckle up and go than if I had to perform in some way. Their daily activities appear to be mostly creativity based, in that there are group projects and single projects with the purpose of involving everyone if they like, or giving you space to work on your own. They have a small store with second-hand goods and self-made items (including knitted things!) that you can make things for too. The store doubles as an overlap between rehabilitation and work experience, which is pretty genius in my opinion.

I’ve only had one visit so far two days ago, which was cut short to 1,5 hours. I woke up at 2am and was pretty stressed about meeting new people, so when I was picked up and the staff member let me sit in her office, all I did was knit to calm my nerves. She lacked the proper intake form that she’d intended to fill out with me while I’d knit, so an hour and a half in she drove me home. Next Thursday we’re doing the form and perhaps I may be introduced to the group as well. I don’t know for sure yet. I have a strong urge to bake a loaf of bread for the group as a peace offering, in case they want to eat me alive. (I may be trying too hard to make a good first impression, but chances are I’ll be up early enough to bake two loaves anyway.)

So that’s rolling for me which is nice. I’m regularly seeing a social worker who plays a massive supporting role for me in getting things done. When I couldn’t make a phonecall she sat with me to get it done. When I was wondering about my pending therapy, she emailed the therapist to inquire. It’s really nice to know that she’s only a phonecall or email away if I need help with certain things, and I don’t think I’d have gotten a lot of things done that needed to be done if it wasn’t for her.

As for therapy, that’s rolling now too. I was referred to a different clinic this time and they screened me. The therapists from the clinic sat together and discussed my issues in a meeting and according to the lady who screened me, they’re worried about me and bumped me to the top of the list to ensure I don’t have to wait another 4 months before I get my therapy. Which is so freaking nice because at this point I feel like I’m slipping again. What’s happening in my life may not seem like a lot, but for me it’s emotionally very intense so I’m super drained and down a lot of the time.

Considering how long my issues have been going on, she also suggested talking to a psychiatrist for possible medication. I both want and don’t want medication. I don’t like meds to begin with, but my life is at a point where I’m not sure I can handle everything just with talking about things and learning new tricks, you know? I’ll have my appointment with the psychiatrist in January, so we’ll see what he says.

Lastly, I’ve been pursuing my diabetes and finally scheduled an appointment with the diabetes doctor in the combination clinic where my regular doctor is located. (They have everything, ranging from two doctors, midwives, social support, diabetic support, blood drawings and a pharmacy in one building.) I’ve had diabetic symptoms creep up on me for years. I was under the impression I was a type 2 diabetic based on preliminary results, but according to my doctor, there are a bunch of factors surrounding my case that point at me being a type LADA – also known as 1.5, or late-onset type 1 in adults.

Now I’d prepared myself for exercise, diet and medication, but if I have LADA, this turns into exercise, diet and insulin dependence, whether that’s now or in a few years from now. We still have to run some tests to confirm her suspicions, but it’s kind of difficult to swallow this new info. I was very unprepared for this potential diagnosis. This was on top of the things earlier this week so I had a small meltdown and just curled up in bed for half a day to sleep through it. Not knowing for sure what my future holds in terms of my health is probably the hardest part though. Maybe I am a type 2 after all. Maybe I’m not. There’s no way to tell without stabbing my arm and testing my blood, which isn’t happening until next week at least.

In any case, this is a shitton for me, but I feel letting go of this will have much more dire consequences than holding on. And that’s what keeps me going alongside the support I get from my friends.

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