My bleary eyes

I haven’t had such a bad week in a long time. I kinda knew it was coming, my depression is like an ocean tide with the occasional, ship sinking storm every now and then. It was really quiet for a long time, and I think the morphine was just making me too tired to be worked up.

I haven’t touched my mailbox is nearly two weeks. My anxiety makes me nauseated just thinking about it; I don’t know what I’m expecting to be in there, but my gut is wrenching so terribly I have to count to 10 and take a deep breath so I won’t get an all out attack. I’m trying to get myself to grab what’s inside tomorrow afternoon, after I go to the farmer’s market for my weekly fish and fruit. If I tell myself I don’t have to open anything yet, just get it inside, maybe it’ll be easier to get past this threshold.

My mood is… very unstable. I have moments where I’m laughing with my friends, and then I remember that one friend hasn’t spoken to me since January and I can’t get a hold of him. I’ve left him messages in multiple places and I can barely keep myself from crying because he’s not getting them. I can’t help but wonder if I did something wrong, and I don’t know what I’ll do if I did do something wrong. I just wish he’d talk to me about it. I feel so forgotten. He’s been there for me through everything while my boyfriend has been deployed and I don’t know if I’d made it without him.

Then the other day, someone posted a suicide threat on this community I’m a part of. This place is not known for this kind of content and pretty ‘safe’, so I was unprepared. I’m still undecided how genuine it was, but that didn’t change the fact it put my mood even deeper into the ground and made me remember all the times I faced potential suicide myself. It’s not a fun place to go, and I was shaken and cried in bed for a while after telling this girl to call a help line. She apologized today, and I messaged her in private to offer some advice, but I could have done without.

To top it off I’m sick as well. I keep sneezing, which hurts my back so much I start crying. A herniated disc and a cold is such a terrible combination, I don’t wish this upon anyone ever. The fun part is that shark week will begin any day now. Isn’t my life a nice bundle of fucking roses right now?

It would be unfair of me to not mention the good that has happened though. Last weekend, my boyfriend was in port in Hawaii. We got to Skype a little bit before our connections had both forsaken us. We texted the remainder of the time and I realized how accustomed I’ve become to not having him around. It’s kind of scary how you just end up… ‘moving on’, so to say. I explained to him that when he fell out of my daily routine, I started to put other things in that space where he was and I will need time to readjust to having him back when he gets home. I’m so enormously grateful that he understands this. There are many who wouldn’t be so accepting.

He’ll be back home soon, and that is pretty exciting regardless of how down I feel. He’s going to get his phone fixed, he’s applying for college, engineering and he’s buying a car from a buddy. He told me to get lots of sleep on Tuesday so I’m pretty sure it won’t be long until he’s home. He’s taking leave immediately after arrival, so hopefully we’ll get to spend a lot of time together.

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