Taking deep breaths now

I’m hitting a rough patch and I’m bracing myself for a wild ride this week. Last night I stayed up until 4am because I couldn’t relax enough. I started my dad’s Christmas socks and finished the toes before putting them down and going to bed. Once in bed I was so tense I kept making my heartbeat extremely irregular because I didn’t breathe deep enough. It took over an hour for me to fall asleep. I didn’t have group until 12:30pm so I figured I could sleep until 11-11:30 and take a shower without rushing too much.

Then 9:30 rolled around and someone knocked on my door, startling me awake. I didn’t expect anyone, and that has proven to be ‘bad news’ in the past. I fell into instant panic mode and stayed still in bed pretending I wasn’t home (I sleep in the nude so there’s no point in dressing and going to the door because that takes too long anyway) while my heart was going frantic. I was afraid it was a debt collector or someone from real estate about my rent or something else off the charts life changing.

I could hear the man dial a number on his phone and my downstairs neighbor answered (hooray for thin floors?). It still took me 5 minutes to realize that if that person dialed my neighbor’s number, they must have mixed up the doors and were actually there for my neighbor, that’s how deep I was stuck in my panic attack.

My boyfriend was still awake and I texted him until I calmed down, then I passed out again until 11:30. I got up, showered, dressed and went to group. I worked more on the socks and helped two other women in the group with their knitting. I’m still stupidly tense and exhausted. Not a surprise, I’ve felt this coming for a while, I fully expect more panic attacks over benign shit but it doesn’t help that much when one strikes. :/

I’m going to throw myself at these socks, I think. The yarn is an absolute gorgeous blend of grays, pale blue and teal that makes me happy to look at, so I’ve got that going for me!


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