I was about to sit down and watch the X-Files on Netflix with my knitting (mom’s pair of socks for Christmas) when I felt the itch for blogging. I’m not sure what to write about that I haven’t already said before, though. So before I go on a repeated ramble, let’s soak in the new template on my blog!
Simplicity is always my favorite theme for a template so that’s what I was going after in the list. After 30 minutes of browsing and previewing different themes, I settled on this one. Nice and quiet, calming on the eyes, pleasant teal link colors and just enough room for the widget area. A winter themed banner on the top (which I might switch out in the near future) and I’m all settled until spring. 🙂 Looks good, doesn’t it?
Last night I finished my dad’s socks. They took a little longer than I anticipated, but I was very tired last week, and I ended up not taking the full 2-3 hours a day I planned for them. So rather than 7 days, they took 9 to complete. Not bad! I admit they look a little baggy, but I promise you that my dad is not a frail bodied fellow and he will fill these out nicely. I worked in the knitting-in elastic into the cuff (which you can kind of see) so I hope the cuffs will retain their elasticity.
I almost finished my mom’s socks’ toes before I went to bed, but as I hit 30 stitches on the first needle (out of 34) I was done for and put them down. I will be increasing to 34 stitches per needle (68 total) for her socks and then work them the same way I did my dad’s. The sock yarn I picked for her socks almost made me regret buying it as I began to knit it up, but I’m growing fond of the colors after all and I think the pattern will turn out nicely! I’ll share a picture soon.
Some less good news is that my avoidance behavior is maxing out again. I didn’t go to my social skills course and couldn’t get myself to call to cancel. I just panicked and pretended my phone didn’t even exist. Then I got an email from my therapist and refused to open it out of terror. Last Monday I flaked out on an appointment and missed their calls. It’s pretty bad, I know that it’s ridiculous to react this way to someone who’s there to help me, but going to a course and going to therapy is more than just ‘sit down and talk’. It’s ‘sit down, talk and let’s work on this!’. It’s the ‘work on this’ part that scares me off. I don’t know where I’d get the energy from to do it. I’m exhausted by clinging on to my group afternoons, which I refuse to ditch cause I love it there and it makes me feel at home. More so than in my own apartment even. I’m exhausted from this bullshit with my landlord. I’m exhausted from waiting to have all my finances handed over to an administrator so I don’t have to worry over paying bills anymore. I’m exhausted from worrying ‘is today the day my car will break down and I’m left without transportation cause I can’t afford anything else?’.
I had an appointment with my group counselor yesterday, which doesn’t stress me out because I know she’ll take the wheel when I can’t, and I ended up confessing to her how bad it is. She sat down with me to analyze why it’s happening, especially because I’m so vibrant and happy in the group. After some discussing we agreed that I’m taking a break from therapy until the holidays are over, and then pick it back up in January. It will give me time to settle down a bit in this very hectic period, my finances will be out of my hands officially by then and I should have found a way to be able to make the appointments with an alternative form of transportation.
My group counselor emailed my therapist to explain all this, and this morning I got another call and email from my therapist. As their office calls from a private number I didn’t pick up, but now I’m also afraid to read the email. Again. I know it’s nothing bad and just asking “How are you doing?”, but then there’s nothing rational about anxiety, is there? I’m breaking this down in my head bit by bit and hopefully I can sit down, read and reply to the email this week at some point. It would be nice if I could do that!
It’s not easy, but I’m glad to have my group. I don’t know where I would be without the wonderful people who work there, or even my fellow clients who are so kind and fun to interact with.
Anyway. I’m going to pick up these socks and knit for 1 or 2 X-Files episodes before I’m making dinner. Although I don’t celebrate thanksgiving being Dutch, I figured I’d make myself a fancy dinner with fish, potatoes and veggies tonight. 🙂
How are your holidays going? Are you getting any knitting done?