It feels like shit. I’ve cried a lot these past two days, and nothing seems to make this feeling go away.
I have been an adult for a decade. I have lived on my own for more than half that decade. Independence is something I’ve grown very fond and proud of, and I want life to stay that way. But what can you do when your own body fights you all the time? What can you do when you move to pick up that laundry basket, and one snap in your lower back sentences you to months of pain and disability even though you’ve been working so hard? What is left when your insurance doesn’t cover the procedure you want, and it will be 3.5 years until you’re finally out of debt to switch to a company that does cover it?
I vacuumed my apartment last night. It was excruciating, but it had to be done. I hadn’t vacuumed in over 3 weeks. I couldn’t walk barefoot anymore, it had to happen whether I liked it or not. I fought my vacuum through gritted teeth every time my leg gave out. I worked myself through a process to bend down and pick something up (or put something down) more than once.
When the time came to clean the cats’ food tray (I keep their bowls on my freezer’s ice cube tray to avoid a mess on the floor), the tray was crawling with maggots because I hadn’t been able to pick it up for days. The undersides of their ceramic bowls had grown moldy to hell and back. I cried a lot more. I felt like a horrible, neglectful cat parent. I scrubbed the tray with bleach, I let the bowls soak in bleach water overnight and I will have to be way more careful with their wet food from now on, especially during the hot days.
I have so much left to do in my household chores wise that I’m not sure I can do. It hurts so much all the time. I can’t ask anyone for help because they either live too far away or are struggling with their own health. I can only hope that the problem gets better with time, the pain will fade to only mild discomfort and will stay away for many months. This will happen again though, I try not to think about how soon that might be.