Afternoon Muse

A lot has been happening, both good and bad.

The bad:

  • I’ve been incredibly anxious again since my last post in February with frequent panic attacks out of nowhere
  • I’m in trouble with my overdue rent
  • I fear I’m starting to binge-eat due to stress (something I’ve never done before, I used to starve myself when I was stressed)
  • My back surgery fund is basically empty compared to what I need to collect, so it may literally be years before I can get this done. I’m really scared
  • My disability check has been confiscated, meaning that every penny above a certain minim requirement amount is taken by debt collectors (the rest is still mine, but it’s not a lot of money at all)
  • I’ve barely been able to talk to my boyfriend because my sleep schedule doesn’t match his hours and I basically pass out at my desk if I’m not in bed

The good:

  • My boyfriend is back home in San Diego! It’s so good to hear his voice and see his face again after 8 months of deployment
  • My therapy has finally taken off and I’ll likely be put on a small dose of antidepressants to take the edge off my intense moods
  • I got my mail last week so I got a fresh start on my mailbox
  • I’m finally participating in the social activation program again and feel useful as IT support for the location
  • My birthday is in 1.5 weeks
  • I asked my parents for a bicycle so I can exercise without impacting my back
  • I asked my sister for a crockpot so I can cook healthy meals without needing to slave away at the stove and burden my back
  • I asked my boyfriend for corsets because I’ve wanted some for ages and they’re good for my back (which arrived last Friday)

I’m sorry for the list format, but this is much easier to write down than writing a whole novel. I’m taking pictures of the corsets soon (I’m wearing it upside down in the pictures I took, oops…) to show you!¬†For the time being however, these are the store pictures.

Because I’m a plus size they look a bit different on me, but I am extremely happy with them. I’ll have more to write about in my next post when I can wear them for you though. ūüôā

My bleary eyes

I haven’t had such a bad week in a long time. I kinda knew it was coming, my depression is like an ocean tide with the occasional, ship sinking storm every now and then. It was really quiet for a long time, and I think the morphine was just making me too tired to be worked up.

I haven’t touched my mailbox is nearly two weeks. My anxiety makes me nauseated just thinking about it; I don’t know what I’m expecting to be in there, but my gut is wrenching so terribly I have to count to 10 and take a deep breath so I won’t get an all out attack. I’m trying to get myself to grab what’s inside tomorrow afternoon, after I go to the farmer’s market for my weekly fish and fruit. If I tell myself I don’t have to open anything yet, just get it inside, maybe it’ll be easier to get past this threshold.

My mood is… very unstable. I have moments where I’m laughing with my friends, and then I remember that one friend hasn’t spoken to me since January and I can’t get a hold of him. I’ve left him messages in multiple places and I can barely keep myself from crying because he’s not getting them. I can’t help but wonder if I did something wrong, and I don’t know what I’ll do if I¬†did do something wrong. I just wish he’d talk to me about it. I feel so forgotten. He’s been there for me through everything while my boyfriend has been deployed and I don’t know if I’d made it without him.

Then the other day, someone posted a suicide threat on this community I’m a part of. This place is not known for this kind of content and pretty ‘safe’, so I was unprepared. I’m still undecided how genuine it was, but that didn’t change the fact it put my mood even deeper into the ground and made me remember all the times I faced potential suicide myself. It’s not a fun place to go, and I was shaken and cried in bed for a while after telling this girl to call a help line. She apologized today, and I messaged her in private to offer some advice, but I could have done without.

To top it off I’m sick as well. I keep sneezing, which hurts my back so much I start crying. A herniated disc and a cold is such a terrible combination, I don’t wish this upon anyone ever. The fun part is that shark week will begin¬†any day now. Isn’t my life a nice bundle of fucking roses right now?

It would be unfair of me to not mention the good that has happened though. Last weekend, my boyfriend was in port in Hawaii. We got to Skype a little bit before our connections had both forsaken us. We texted the remainder of the time and I realized how accustomed I’ve become to not having him around. It’s kind of scary how you just end up… ‘moving on’, so to say. I explained to him that when he fell out of my daily routine, I started to put other things in that space where he was and I will need time to readjust to having him back when he gets home. I’m so enormously grateful that he understands this. There are many who wouldn’t be so accepting.

He’ll be back home soon, and that is pretty exciting regardless of how down I feel. He’s going to get his phone fixed, he’s applying for college, engineering and he’s buying a car from a buddy. He told me to get lots of sleep on Tuesday so I’m pretty sure it won’t be long until he’s home. He’s taking leave immediately after arrival, so hopefully we’ll get to spend a lot of time together.

Oh shit – Valentine’s Day?!

Well, this one completely slipped my mind. It’s only two weeks until the commercial day of love and there’s no way I can get something to my boyfriend in time. Mail takes at least a month to get to his ship while he’s deployed. Shit.

I’m really bad with holidays like this. They just aren’t that important to me. I take much more pleasure out of giving things throughout the rest of the year for no reason. Call me a hipster, I think it’s a lot more genuine that way. Sure we can celebrate one occasion once a year, but isn’t it the days between those dates that matter the most? August 15th is our anniversary, but I like to think we celebrate our relationship every day no matter what.

Anyway, I’m not too worried. I’ll make this up to him soon. ūüôā I’m itching to knit him a plushie of his favorite character, a pattern that’s been sitting in my library for over half a year now. I wonder if I can throw in a small cowboy hat too, somehow. The pattern doesn’t include it so I’ll go hunting for it soon.

Battery depleted

So, I counted. Ten appointments in the last four weeks.¬†Ten. It’s nothing short from a miracle that I’m still here and functioning at all. Apparently I’m really good at pretending everything is okay, because I keep running into the issue that I feel people don’t believe I’m really sick, despite the paperwork that says otherwise from two different therapists. You’ve no idea how tiring it is to try and convince people over and over again that you’re not fit to function in society unless you’ve been there yourself. (Does that sound elitist? It probably sounds elitist.)

I wish I didn’t have to go through all of this. My boyfriend’s miserable on deployment, I’m miserable trying to sort out my life, and not having him around for the majority of the day is wearing me down so thin it sometimes gets hard to breathe. I’ve had trouble sleeping because I keep analyzing and replaying my appointments, wondering if I fucked up, wondering if I did something so terrible it will undo all the effort I put into all the ongoing processes so far.

I know it’s probably fine, but I can’t get my brain to shut up.

I keep falling into random bouts of crying, especially during appointments. It’s annoying and stressful on its own. Crying takes away precious energy that I don’t have, but I can’t stop it.

In the back of my mind I keep wondering if I’m heading back towards the place where I stopped going outside because I was afraid I’d throw myself in front of a car in a moment of weakness. It sure feels that way. I hope I can get a hold of a therapist soon again because wherever I’m going, it’s the wrong way.

Grateful #1

For the past 6 days I’ve been doing a “Daily Breast Challenge” with my art. The reasoning is simple: the majority of women think something’s wrong with their breasts – their size, their shape, their weight, their perkiness etc. – while they are all perfectly¬†normal in every single way. I’ve been fighting with my own bosom’s security for some time. Despite positive responses, I always felt like mine were off and weird. Then I found a site featuring pictures of regular women’s breasts¬†in a non-sexual way,¬†and I was awed and humbled by the experience. As an artist, I’ve been guilty of always drawing the same kind of boobs that lean towards the media standard of ‘perfection’. So I challenged myself to draw one pair of normal boobs every day until I run out of boobs to draw from this site.

These are fairly quick. The images I work off of are very small so sometimes I improvise a little, but I am updating my Dropbox folder every day. Feel free to check in, each image is dated as dd/m/yyyy and displayed from oldest to newest in that order. I’m only 6 days in and already I’ve learned so very much. Subtle differences among women who are alike, but never the same. The way larger breasts differ even when they’re similar in size. The artist in me is rejoicing at all the knowledge I’m gaining and the woman in me is loving herself a little more every day. This is the best art challenge I’ve undertaken in a long time.

In keeping with this spirit, I’m also going to do a ‘grateful challenge’ for the next 7 days. I’ve been feeling down, stressed and tired so much, I’m losing perspective on what’s good in my life. Perhaps listing 3¬†things I’m grateful for every day for a week will lift my spirits a little.

  1. I’m grateful for having my boyfriend in my life. No matter how far apart we are while he’s deployed, it still feels like we’re close together through his efforts to stay in touch with me. He listens to me and encourages me while being immensely supportive – just what I need to stay strong and have courage.
  2. I’m grateful for the Yogscast. They’re a group of YouTubes with an excellent sense of humor and¬†massive amounts of videos on Minecraft and other games. Their videos run almost non-stop on my computer these days, making me laugh and keeping me company while I knit, draw, bake, browse and talk to people.
  3. I’m grateful for my friend Sam, who has proven to be an invaluable addition in my life. No matter how much my situation appears to suck, Sam will¬†always find an upside to my day. Whether it’s a “At least you didn’t die in a fire” or “Cheer up, go cuddle your cats and play Pokemon with me”. His sense of humor