Grateful thoughts of the day

I’m grateful…

  • that I’m part of a knitting community that isn’t full of yarn snobs.
  • for having made so many connections with strangers all over the world, who share kind words and thoughts that I’d never have expected.
  • for a boyfriend who, despite my mental and physical illnesses and his frustrations for being so far away, sticks with me and makes real efforts to help me in whatever way he can without making me feel bad.
  • that I have a friend who keeps me productive and lets me earn a bit of extra pocket money to tide me over in difficult financial times, while being fully understanding of my problems and giving me the space I need. (Seriously, how many people can say they have such a lenient and awesome boss?)
  • for the craft of knitting; very few things are as satisfying as learning, creating and being proud of your creations!
  • for the friends in my life who I may not talk to every day, but who are there for me when the need strikes, and who pick up conversations with me as if we’d never been apart no matter how long it’s been.
  • for the friends in my life who listen to me ramble on and on every single day and never complain.
  • for my family, who may not be perfect, but who are always perfectly trying. ❤
  • for my fur babies for loving me unconditionally and being the best and most precious kitties I could have ever asked for.
  • that I’m capable of being independent in most areas of my life, even with my disabilities.

Sometimes life seems like it works really hard against you. At those times it can help to put things you’re grateful for in a list. We’re always far more blessed by life than we realize. I have many great things to live for, even when it seems there’s nothing but pain and struggling. Life is good if we allow it to be.

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You win some, you lose some.

Yesterday was sibling day. My sister picked me up and we spent the late morning and early afternoon chilling on her couch, playing Guitar Hero and I knitted some too. It was nice, we caught up on a bunch of things and when her girlfriend came home from work, we went to the drugstore just across the border in Germany.

One of the girls wanted to check out a clothing store for some carnaval related things. I checked out the plus size collection for some new jeans to see if they carried my size (being a tall plus size sucks!). My sister then mentioned she still owed me my Christmas money – if there were jeans on sale for €20, she’d buy them for me.

So in I went and found a nice pair that not only fits my waist, but also is long enough to reach my heels! Unfortunately I had to buy them one size too big – 52″ when I needed a 50″. I have 51″ hips and a 43″ waist and they only had a side 48 and 52, no 50. Boo! I ordered a belt online (what store sells jeans for a size 50 but doesn’t carry belts to go with that?) to make sure these pants won’t keep falling off my hips now. It’s good to finally have a pair that isn’t all worn down and faded immensely though.

Then I picked out a new shirt to buy myself to complete the outfit!

Looks good, doesn’t it? 🙂 I had a lot to say about my self-esteem and shopping issues, but I’m tiring myself with that crap so I’ll spare you from it. That does bring me to some less happy news though.

20150203_102836[1]It’s my glucose level for this morning “before meal”. Basically nothing has changed since I started taking the metformin and gliclazide. I’ve been on medication for two months and even on a low dose I should be seeing some minor improvement if my body takes to it.

This Friday morning I get an official fingerprick test at the doctor’s office. If their equipment gives a similar reading I’m not sure what I’ll do. My doctor may bump me up to taking both medications three times a day to their max dosage but I’m starting to feel it’s a futile attempt. I’m terrified my pancreas is just shot.

I thought I was okay with becoming insulin dependent but damnit, it’s tough to accept. I’m having a hard time finding support to deal with this too. Even on Facebook it’s difficult to find a suitable group to join, and I’m not that interested in joining forums and talking to absolute strangers. I have an aching need to have someone I already know to help me through this, but I don’t know of anyone who has type 1 diabetes whom I talk to regularly.

This sucks. I’m working myself up to tears, I don’t really know what else to do. Trying to ignore it isn’t making it go away.

I’m going to take a shower, clean the litterbox and sweep the floor. By the afternoon I’m going to a fabric store to get some lining for my knitted purse and I’ll probably drop by a clothing store in the area to check out a couple of things too. Anything better than dwelling on this crap.

A pro-active day

After my break down from last night, I slept a little bit. Not much, but enough to supply me with energy for today.

That starts my post off with good news, okay news, and not so okay news.

The good news is that I woke up to an email from my boyfriend (finally!) who appears to have come down with a condition called ‘watch’. This condition inflicts excessive amounts of boredom and snoozing, which is why he wasn’t able to get back to me sooner. He mentioned he has a surprise for me and that I’d know about nine hours from when he emailed me, but it’s been almost 11 hours since then and I haven’t heard anything yet. I’m not going to freak out just yet, but I’m dying of curiosity here! His surprises are always really good.

The okay news is that I got to spend the entire day with my family. After waking up and taking care of myself, I visited my parents and knitted. A lot. I’m working on a new sock pattern that I found which enables me to knit my sock in one go on the loom, and after I finally figured out the concept it’s been pretty easy. Pictured in this post is a partial sock, with heel, and the family dog snoozing in the background. After my mom had to get ready for work, I left to see my sister. We went grocery shopping and had dinner at her place. I got two bars of soap from her when I went home, and they both smell really nice!

The not so okay news is that I’m now home, and looking at the utter mess my apartment is. I’m tired from being around people all day, my cats are going batshit crazy running around like morons. I really need to start cleaning because my apartment just isn’t in any okay condition anymore, but whenever I make plans to get going with it I just crash. It sucks. I want to ask my friend for help, but I’m not sure I can tolerate hearing an exasperated sigh and that typical ‘holy fuck’ expression people give.

My plan for the rest of the evening is to have some lemonade, maybe eat some rice pudding and watch Yogscast while knitting, probably until I hear back from my boyfriend.

A friend in need

It’s moments like these that have kept me going through my worst moments.

Sam, my wonderful and sweet brother, you are the reason why friendship truly is magic.

We may live a world apart and have different parents, but I couldn’t have asked for a better brother in the whole wide world. Mike and I both love you to bits and pieces.

If we could, we’d adopt you. (No Mike, you don’t get a say in this.)

I have no words that could possibly describe how grateful I am to you. I just hope the world repays you triple quadruple.