A letter to myself

Dear me,

I know you’re feeling like crap right now. All the good intentions and efforts you started this year out with, have sort of fizzled and gone up in smoke. You were very determined to make this work out as long as possible, but after 6 weeks that ended in a bit of a bust.

But it’s okay.

Remember that you’re still only 6 weeks into a new medication regime. Adjusting insulin and getting it all sorted, and sticking to it, takes time and experimentation.

Remember that you started your first period on insulin almost three weeks ago, and it’s still going. Insulin is a hormone, you have the hormonal birth control implant, this is not out of the ordinary that they affect one another but it is taking a toll on you. It’s no wonder you feel tired when you’ve bled nonstop for 18 days, while juggling everything else around it. That’s not your fault.

Remember that a few days into your period, you also came down with a cold. Now a cold is bad enough on its own to throw almost anyone out of their routine, but you know that a disruption of routine hits you especially hard. It lasted almost five days before you felt better. That’s not your fault.

Remember that insomnia is a real part of your health problems and that your best efforts don’t always work to get through it. You’ve had insomnia almost non-stop since your period started and this is killer on basically anyone. When you do get to sleep, you feel like a train hit you. That’s not your fault.

Somewhere along the way, for two days you didn’t give a flying fuck about your diabetes and just ate whatever with a few shots here and there. Your values were all over the place, but so was your mind and your ability to hang on through this shit storm. Nobody is perfect, and neither are you. What matters is that on the third day, you tested your waking up value, saw it was 9.7, and decided to fix it instead of despairing.

You’re still not fully on track, and your diet still sucks, but you’re taking your insulin properly and making the best effort you can at the moment. You’re still dealing with that motherfucking period, and that’s enough to enrage almost any woman and send her shrieking like a banshee through the streets, but the fact you’re taking it levelheaded as it comes is a good and admirable thing.

It’s impossible to control everything in life. Remember how we’ve vowed to live by that saying and not feel depressed about it? These are things that influence you which you can’t control, but what you can control is how you respond to and deal with them.

That includes doing the best you can with the foods you can afford. It’s important to remember you’re in a unique financial situation where your fixed income doesn’t offer much leeway. If you can’t afford to replace the staple whole carbs and the cheap processed box carbs with whole vegetables and proteins, then you can’t. Let’s be honest, a box of brown rice that costs eighty cents and feeds you for fifteen servings, beats a salad that costs twice as much and feeds you once hands down. That is reality. You did the math, you kept your body’s limitations in mind (don’t forget you also have IBS and a lot of vegetables cause very painful gas), and it doesn’t work out. You can’t be upset about that because being upset changes nothing. You’ve had many great days in your diabetes control with the diet you have right now, there’s no reason that with a tiny bit of extra effort you can’t keep that up.

You’re trying. You’re aware of what’s happening to you. You’ve made efforts to change that what you can change. You can’t do anything about that which you can’t change. Just keep doing what you’re doing, keep testing and taking your insulin, keep checking what and how much you’re eating, keep soldiering through this period; it’s bound to end sooner than later right about now.

Never forget that you have many people who love you dearly. Never forget that this disease isn’t easy to manage and takes a lot of care. Never forget that you are more than capable. Never forget it’s okay to falter sometimes, but it’s necessary to pick yourself back up afterwards.

You can do this. I believe in you. Keep rocking, Wonder Woman.

Sincerely,
Me.

Inhale, hold, exhale

Wow, it’s already Friday. For most this means the weekend! For me it means Monday is only two days and three nights away, which means the court date is drawing super near.

Realistically speaking I have nothing to fear. This is just a small legal procedure wherein I tell a judge I agree to have my finances and financial responsibilities transferred to a specialized agency, something I requested myself. It’s the unknown, my first time in such a legal setting, that drives me up the wall. I’m trying not to think about Monday. Let’s focus on Friday first, then the weekend.

I’m still fighting my cold. I lost my voice last week, then I got a little perkier, then sometime this week my throat felt like a pin cushion and I’m coughing a lot again. Yesterday I got my flu shot though. I have a mild reaction every year (expected and normal), ranging from a sore spot where they injected and some general cold-like symptoms such as a headache and a very mild fever. I think I just feel worse because I’ve also got this cold at the same time, while stressed out about things. (I checked, as long as I didn’t have a fever at the time of the shot, you can get the flu shot while having a cold.) Either way I’m happy I don’t have to worry about the flu anymore until next year.

2015-10-23Being sick, I haven’t felt up to making daily bentos. My appetite is all over the place and I just didn’t feel like cooking extras or eating leftovers the next day. As I’m going back to group today, I made a bento though!

It’s nothing that special. Just a salad with bell pepper, cucumber and feta, a ‘rundervink’ (ground seasoned beef rolled into a thick sausage with a thin beef layer around it), some salad dressing, a red bean mochi, tamagoyaki (I couldn’t stash it nicely), a plain sesame seed onigiri and diced apple slices with cinnamon dusting.

I’m kind of bummed that all the mandarin oranges we have around here are too big to fit nicely into the bento though. I can’t wait for the nets with the smaller variety to pop up soon, they make fun looking pumpkins with my leaf bento picks.

I also have some knitting updates!

  • I finished the front of my summer top, but I put the back stitches on some waste yarn and put the whole project on hold. I don’t have the motivation to finish a top I won’t be able to wear until the summer.
  • Still haven’t cleaned up the table. Every time I think about it, my mind just shuts off and focuses on something else; it requires energy I don’t have right now, as much as I hate myself for letting this mess stay. Blocking my real genius sweater isn’t on the menu quite yet. Maybe November will offer me the chance?
  • I got my parents’, my sister’s and my boyfriend’s measurements for socks and sweaters yesterday. Put everything into the charts I made and have knitting measurements ready to go as soon as I have yarn (and time) to knit. I think my boyfriend will get a sweater this winter, but my family will have to wait until next year. I’ll need to get yarn for them first.
  • 2015-10-23 (1)Made the swatch with the yarn for my boyfriend’s sweater. We chose Fiammato Grey. It’s machine washable for easy care. The yarn is pretty interesting — its thickness varies, I think they call this flammé yarn? It knits up lovely on 5mm needles with interesting bumps where the yarn gets thicker. I hope nobody mistakes it for a tension issue! I made the swatch according to the pattern’s instructions: cast on 20 sts and knit 4″ in your desired stitch pattern. It measures up a perfect 11cms from edge to edge.
  • 2015-10-23 (2)The spiral socks are coming along very quickly. The stockinette/inverse stockinette section slows me down on every row because I can’t autopilot it (gotta count everything properly) but as soon as I try them on, I fall in love all over again! It looks weird when not on someone’s feet, but when the fabric stretches it smooths out and looks pretty amazing. I also tried Jeny’s Surprisingly Stretchy Bind-Off in the sweater swatch to see if I’ll like it for socks, and I think I will use it for this pair. I’m only 3.5cms away from starting the heel, I might get to that in group today.

 

So much to do, so little time

And energy. I have very little of that lately, too. I’m anxiously awaiting my court date on the 26th to officially have a judge transfer my financial management over to a specialized agency. I started a social skills course. I had my final meeting for the grant to continue group therapy. It’s exhausting and I’m feeling a little drained from group twice a week, as well.

On the upside I received several bento accessories I ordered from eBay. They really cheer up my lunch!

2015-10-02 (1)

Look at that yummy goodness and adorable decoration! I have a mixed salad (lettuce, spring onion, cucumber, croutons) with some sweet pointed pepper slices with cheese and cucumber, marinated sesame chicken bites, tamagoyaki (made with ketjap manis, hence the dark color), onigiri, daifuku and apple slices, as well as some dressing for the salad.

I’m eager to try out different flavors of the daifuku, so I’m going to visit the toko again really soon!

Isn’t this a shit storm?

I’m so beyond exhausted and depressed. The whole process of starting up trajectories for disability, social work, debt counseling, getting someone to take over all my finances and charting how much I owe everywhere feels like being bulldozed into the ground every single day. The only reason I’m still doing it is because the choice has been taken out of my hands and I’m not doing this alone. If I was, I’d probably have crawled into a hole again and hidden from the world. Hopefully within the next 4-6 weeks my disability will be paid to me again so I can afford to live and work off that. One step at a time.

A debt collector came by last week and took possession of over half my furniture. Their intention is apparently to sell, but I’m mind boggled as to how they’re going to try and justify all the expenses with stuff that’s not even worth €300 when combined. Half of it is severely worn down and damaged by my cats (does anyone really want to pay money for 4 red chairs of which 2 are partially broken and all of them are scratched to the point where stuffing is falling out?) and the rest is just… old. Everything I own is second, third or even fourth hand. My microwave’s display is broken.

The debt I owe to this company is 1.2K. The debt collector racked that up with another 1.3K (totalling 2.5K) by going through the process of claiming my possessions, making a list and putting out ads to sell it all. They won’t even make back the money to put out ads if they do manage to sell it all.

The bastards didn’t even have the audacity to write down my dryer. Damn thing is broken and useless and I’ll happily get rid of it, but out of all the things I own that’s the ONE thing they didn’t write down. Ugh.

To top everything off, I miss my boyfriend terribly and don’t know what to do with myself half the time, and my cat’s health is going up and down so much I’m not certain how long I can put off a vet visit. I’ve managed to collect €90 for the vet bill, but I don’t want to go in until I have at least €150 to cover all possibilities. And then I still need about another €150 for any follow up treatments, as experience has proven that I can’t allow too much time to pass between the vet visits due to everything starting up all over again. If you have a couple of spare bucks lying around to help my cat get better, please check out my fundraiser.

Honestly, I’m amazed I haven’t had a massive breakdown yet. Thank god for knitting and gaming.

Always churning

It’s just a little past 1am while I’m sitting here at my desk, drinking tea that is bitter from having steeped too long and admitting to myself that my anxiety and depression is catching up to me again. It sucks.

Sleep either comes in brief, multiple naps throughout the day or 10 hour minimum periods. I’m so easily tired that I sometimes crawl into bed at 3pm and don’t wake up until…. well, somewhere around now. Sometimes I go to bed at 10pm and wake up four hours later, wide awake and unable to sleep more, but still exhausted.

I have work to do. My friend needs me and it’ll earn me money I really need to feed myself with. Every time I sit down to do it, ready to type, ready to design, my brain stutters and shuts down. At the same time I’ve been blogging away furiously day after day on issues that make my blood boil, chipping in where I don’t need to chip in, effectively pouring my energy into a black hole. It doesn’t satisfy me to bitch and be upset, but small things send me flying into the world and yelling along with billions of other people without being heard. It’s hard to control so much churning anger and upset and put it to use on productive things.

Next week, a debt collector is dropping by to take possession of my things. Although I will be moving my valuables someplace else to avoid losing them, it still stresses me out that I’m unable to strike a payment plan with them because I’m still without disability. It takes 1-2 months for that shit to go through and it’s time I don’t have with all this on my roof.

I’m trying to validate my course voucher but the site has been unresponsive for the past hour or so. More stress, as it expires on the 23rd and it makes me panic.

My best bet is to take it day by day right now.

The loaf of bread I baked is already gone. It’s so delicious that not even feeling shitty could stop me from eating, which is good. Tomorrow (or today, technically) is the local farmer’s market, which means I’m getting some fresh fish for brunch. In the afternoon I’ve decided I’m going to try and bake buns with the ciabatta flour. One day at a time.