Grateful thoughts of the day

I’m grateful…

  • that I’m part of a knitting community that isn’t full of yarn snobs.
  • for having made so many connections with strangers all over the world, who share kind words and thoughts that I’d never have expected.
  • for a boyfriend who, despite my mental and physical illnesses and his frustrations for being so far away, sticks with me and makes real efforts to help me in whatever way he can without making me feel bad.
  • that I have a friend who keeps me productive and lets me earn a bit of extra pocket money to tide me over in difficult financial times, while being fully understanding of my problems and giving me the space I need. (Seriously, how many people can say they have such a lenient and awesome boss?)
  • for the craft of knitting; very few things are as satisfying as learning, creating and being proud of your creations!
  • for the friends in my life who I may not talk to every day, but who are there for me when the need strikes, and who pick up conversations with me as if we’d never been apart no matter how long it’s been.
  • for the friends in my life who listen to me ramble on and on every single day and never complain.
  • for my family, who may not be perfect, but who are always perfectly trying. ❤
  • for my fur babies for loving me unconditionally and being the best and most precious kitties I could have ever asked for.
  • that I’m capable of being independent in most areas of my life, even with my disabilities.

Sometimes life seems like it works really hard against you. At those times it can help to put things you’re grateful for in a list. We’re always far more blessed by life than we realize. I have many great things to live for, even when it seems there’s nothing but pain and struggling. Life is good if we allow it to be.

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Besiege the castle!

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My Sunday was pretty good. I’m still pretty exhausted from this week and despite it being busy, my friend and I had lunch at a castle and it was good and relaxing. Yes, an actual real castle. Probably not as traditional as you’re picturing right now, but a 18th century castle nonetheless!

I had an easy breakfast during the morning and decided not to hold back for lunch, but to make smart choices.

Smart choicee #1:
No sugary drinks. I opted for some mint tea with a little splenda in both my hot teas.

Smart choice #2:
I ordered a sandwich on brown bread with seeds instead of white bread.

Smart choice #3:
I made sure to get a protein heavy sandwich by ordering a chicken sandwich.

Smart choice #4:
I ate the green on the plate before I ate the sandwich to give my stomach some fiber before the rest came in.

I didn’t worry or fuss over my bloodsugar, partially because it’s a hot day, partially because I see no point in fussing over what I’m eating on the extremely rare occasions I’m going out for food. I still have the luxury of not having to count carbs for insulin so might as well enjoy it. 🙂 Once we were finished eating, I even ordered some ice cream with whipped cream and chocolate drizzle. I didn’t even care. It’s been so long since I had ice cream like this and I wasn’t feeling bad so I gobbled that baby up like there was no tomorrow.

When we got back later, my blood sugar was at 8.9. I think it probably got a little higher than that over the course of the hour following my test, but honestly? That’s really not bad and I was on my way in a hot car soon afterwards anyway. I doubt my sugar remained very high.

For dinner I stuck to a simple chicken salad with two small plums for dessert. After I vacuumed I had a sugar free frozen hot chocolate and some whole wheat cookies, and I’ve no idea what my levels are right now but I don’t feel bad. I’m just tired from this week and today.

Naturally I can’t repeat today, multiple times a week. It’s really a ‘once in a while’ thing and that’s fine. 🙂 I had lunch at a beautiful castle with a wonderful friend on a beautiful terrace and it was a good Sunday.

Grateful #1

For the past 6 days I’ve been doing a “Daily Breast Challenge” with my art. The reasoning is simple: the majority of women think something’s wrong with their breasts – their size, their shape, their weight, their perkiness etc. – while they are all perfectly normal in every single way. I’ve been fighting with my own bosom’s security for some time. Despite positive responses, I always felt like mine were off and weird. Then I found a site featuring pictures of regular women’s breasts in a non-sexual way, and I was awed and humbled by the experience. As an artist, I’ve been guilty of always drawing the same kind of boobs that lean towards the media standard of ‘perfection’. So I challenged myself to draw one pair of normal boobs every day until I run out of boobs to draw from this site.

These are fairly quick. The images I work off of are very small so sometimes I improvise a little, but I am updating my Dropbox folder every day. Feel free to check in, each image is dated as dd/m/yyyy and displayed from oldest to newest in that order. I’m only 6 days in and already I’ve learned so very much. Subtle differences among women who are alike, but never the same. The way larger breasts differ even when they’re similar in size. The artist in me is rejoicing at all the knowledge I’m gaining and the woman in me is loving herself a little more every day. This is the best art challenge I’ve undertaken in a long time.

In keeping with this spirit, I’m also going to do a ‘grateful challenge’ for the next 7 days. I’ve been feeling down, stressed and tired so much, I’m losing perspective on what’s good in my life. Perhaps listing 3 things I’m grateful for every day for a week will lift my spirits a little.

  1. I’m grateful for having my boyfriend in my life. No matter how far apart we are while he’s deployed, it still feels like we’re close together through his efforts to stay in touch with me. He listens to me and encourages me while being immensely supportive – just what I need to stay strong and have courage.
  2. I’m grateful for the Yogscast. They’re a group of YouTubes with an excellent sense of humor and massive amounts of videos on Minecraft and other games. Their videos run almost non-stop on my computer these days, making me laugh and keeping me company while I knit, draw, bake, browse and talk to people.
  3. I’m grateful for my friend Sam, who has proven to be an invaluable addition in my life. No matter how much my situation appears to suck, Sam will always find an upside to my day. Whether it’s a “At least you didn’t die in a fire” or “Cheer up, go cuddle your cats and play Pokemon with me”. His sense of humor

A pro-active day

After my break down from last night, I slept a little bit. Not much, but enough to supply me with energy for today.

That starts my post off with good news, okay news, and not so okay news.

The good news is that I woke up to an email from my boyfriend (finally!) who appears to have come down with a condition called ‘watch’. This condition inflicts excessive amounts of boredom and snoozing, which is why he wasn’t able to get back to me sooner. He mentioned he has a surprise for me and that I’d know about nine hours from when he emailed me, but it’s been almost 11 hours since then and I haven’t heard anything yet. I’m not going to freak out just yet, but I’m dying of curiosity here! His surprises are always really good.

The okay news is that I got to spend the entire day with my family. After waking up and taking care of myself, I visited my parents and knitted. A lot. I’m working on a new sock pattern that I found which enables me to knit my sock in one go on the loom, and after I finally figured out the concept it’s been pretty easy. Pictured in this post is a partial sock, with heel, and the family dog snoozing in the background. After my mom had to get ready for work, I left to see my sister. We went grocery shopping and had dinner at her place. I got two bars of soap from her when I went home, and they both smell really nice!

The not so okay news is that I’m now home, and looking at the utter mess my apartment is. I’m tired from being around people all day, my cats are going batshit crazy running around like morons. I really need to start cleaning because my apartment just isn’t in any okay condition anymore, but whenever I make plans to get going with it I just crash. It sucks. I want to ask my friend for help, but I’m not sure I can tolerate hearing an exasperated sigh and that typical ‘holy fuck’ expression people give.

My plan for the rest of the evening is to have some lemonade, maybe eat some rice pudding and watch Yogscast while knitting, probably until I hear back from my boyfriend.

True loneliness

One of the reasons I love my boyfriend as much as I do is because he is honest with me. He’s direct. He doesn’t bullshit around or pretends that everything is okay when it’s not. Instead of giving me motivational quotes, his first thoughts are dedicated to finding a realistic solution to the problem that is feasible. He knows that sometimes you just need someone to be with you, and that sitting together in silence knowing the other is there can be more comforting than any lengthy discussion in the world.

I’ve become really used to having this in the last 4-5 months. Now that he’s not around, I’m struggling to find something to hold on to. I’m torn out of my routine, I’m talking to a wall most of the time and the one person close to me who understands me and helps me manage myself is working shifts that don’t mesh with my schedule, or what’s left of it.

The past couple of months I’ve withdrawn from a lot of people because I don’t have the energy to talk about this in an actual conversation. Even if I did, what’s the point? Most don’t know what to say. Most feel like I’m expecting ‘the answer’ and am waiting for them to have it. Others try to cheer me up in ways that only make me frown and withdraw back into my shell because they don’t understand, despite their best intentions, missing their target by miles.

I thought I was doing really well, but I’m on the brink of breaking down completely.

I haven’t eaten more than two slices of toast and a handful of potato chips in the last 14 hours. I know my body is hungry, but I’m not. The thought of eating makes me ill. I keep getting to the brink of tears only to fight them back down, but it really just makes my chest feel tight. I’m tense and exhausted, but the boulder of lead in my stomach won’t allow me to lay down and rest.

Ultimately, I feel alone. I don’t know where it went wrong. I’m completely out of sync with people I call friends. I try to strike up a conversation, but it feels forced and unnatural. All it does is make me think they don’t really care. If I were to fall off the face of the planet, it wouldn’t impact their life much at all. I’ve treated them like crap through all my issues, so why should they miss me? I can’t tell if this is true or not.

If I want to survive my boyfriend’s deployment this summer, I need more than what I have now. I feel like I’ve got nothing. Knitting, movies, games, these are all fillers to distract me from the horrible truth that there are only 2 people in this world I feel truly connected to, and they’re both a world apart. I’ve come to rely on them to be happy and have purpose, but that’s not a healthy way of living. I should be strong and independent without them, make my own happiness happen.

So why can’t I?