My dearest boyfriend is leaving the US Navy at the end of this month and has been granted terminal leave until the 26th, to return for a couple of days and then be out for good. He’s moving to SD to attend college and get a computer engineering degree (hurray!). He’s already arranged for an apartment there, and yesterday he left to go to it. Essentially he’s making a road trip from San Diego to South Dakota – very exciting!
In order to help make the trip less boring (and being stuck halfway across the world from him I can’t go with him) I got a Skype unlimited US subscription for the month. He has an unlimited cellphone plan and a smartphone charger for his car. Yesterday we spent over 4 hours on the phone together continuously, chatting and laughing while he drove. It’s interesting learning about the US roads and landscape even though I can’t see it!
We use GPS trackers on our phones to know where the other is (not in a stalker kind of way, but mostly to share our lives while we live apart and to help soothe my separation anxiety), so I was able to follow his progress and help him pick out a town to spend the night in, along with finding a motel and food. He slept in Utah last night and will be up shortly to continue his trip.
The remaining distance will be a 13 hour drive minimum, so I’m checking out some places for him to stay at for the last night. I just know he’ll argue that he can make it in one trip, but I hope to convince him to rest after 6pm. It would kill me if he got hurt because he pushed himself too much, and I refuse to let him sleep in the car cause he didn’t make it to the next town over. Here’s to hoping this stubborn man will listen to me and let me help him!
In stark contrast to yesterday’s depressing post, today I feel nothing but giddy and excited with a touch of emotional bursting. He finally had a chance to email me. His first words were “Baby I’m so tired“. My stomach kind of flipped over and my heart melted on the spot.
They’ve been doing unarmed and baton self-defense training for the past couple of days and today he’s getting pepper sprayed. That was unsettling to read, but in his follow up email he explained it’s part of the training. Which makes perfect sense: it’s so they know what it’s like first-hand so they don’t use it unnecessarily. They may end up getting sprayed but still have to perform adequately. Doesn’t mean I’m very thrilled to imagine my poor baby getting pepper sprayed. (It was bad enough that one time I accidentally rubbed my eyes after handling hot peppers!)
He ended his second email with a confession that made me bawl all over again. The day when they left, he spent the last 10 minutes texting me to say goodbye. While I confessed I was a bawling mess and wished he didn’t have to go, he insisted on being reassuring and loving with every message so that I wouldn’t feel so bad. Apparently he was really struggling himself.
“Also I never told you, but I got choked up after the last time we talked. ‘Cause I love you so much.”
Please excuse me while I go bawl some more. (This time they’re happy tears though.)
You are honestly one of my very best friends. I’m so very, very happy that you came into my life. You understand me in amazing ways, and even when you don’t, I never feel judged because you know that I am whatever it is I’m going to be. The care and affection I get from you is astounding. All of your ups and downs and joys and sadnesses are my own as well, because of the thought that you give me as a person. I am fiercely loyal to you.
There have been many moments in my life where I questioned the importance of my existence. I knew I would never be a successful business person, dragging in millions upon millions for a company I don’t care for. In fact, I saw myself as an insignificant human being just working a dead-end job to bring in money to pay the bills, only to live a bleak and meager life. For the longest time I felt like I didn’t matter. Who would miss me if I suddenly get hit by a car and don’t live to tell the tale? Who cares whether I’m happy or devastated, run into the ground? Somehow I had convinced myself that people were nice to me so they could use me for the few skills I had, but beyond that I was unimportant.
I know better now. I know my value in life, to the people who love me and whom I love. However, when I have particularly bad days these thoughts still tend to creep into my head and tear me up inside. My mind convinces me that everyone will get over it if I die.
Today has marked the 4th day since I last heard from my boyfriend and it’s eating at me so badly. I know he’s alright and very busy – I obsessively stalk his ship’s Facebook page to check for any announcements of accidents or attacks. They’re just doing a lot of things, and I know he doesn’t have the time to sit down and say hi. But we’ve been together almost a year now (in 10 days, as a matter of fact) and we’ve never gone more than 2 days without at least emailing each other. It’s so hard. I love him so much that I’m afraid to go to bed because I’m not sure if I can handle another morning waking up to an empty inbox.
Combine these feeling with my depression, anxiety and a crappy internet connection that makes it extremely hard to do my job, my mind wanders very far to places it shouldn’t go. I hate it and try to pull back, but sometimes it doesn’t work.
And then this fell randomly into my lap. I didn’t know how much I needed to hear it, but once I did I couldn’t keep myself from crying. I’ve never been anything but myself with my friends, and here it is – a validation that everything I am is so important to another human being. That no matter how far away he is, no matter what happens in my life, my friends are here to pick me up and dust me off. This kind of friendship is what makes life worth living and I hope I will continue to be worthy of it.
It’s interesting to see how much I rely on hearing from my boyfriend to feel okay. The last email I got two days ago was just a one word response with hearts and nothing since then.
I know he has things to do. I know their schedules can be brutal and I know that their computers may be unavailable when he has a moment. It’s unfair of me to demand the impossible and I know he misses me a lot too.
That doesn’t change the fact I’m in tears and woke up with an enormous chunk of lead in my stomach. Every now and then my mind teeters on the edge: is he okay? Did something happen? Was that the last memory you will have of him? It’s so easy to give in and freak out. But that doesn’t help me or him in any way.
It’s only been a week and a half. How am I going to do this for at least seven months…?
“Hong kong has been cancelled. I’ll let you know as soon as I find when / where our first port visit will be.”
I think I might cry.
This whole eating thing is more difficult than I thought. I don’t have an eating disorder, but I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum as far as emotional eater goes (is ’emotional faster’ a thing?). When I’m upset or depressed, I don’t eat. My appetite just vanishes and I don’t feel like eating anything, not even delicious sweet or fatty things that aren’t good for me that I usually do enjoy.
No, it’s not fun or a good thing, so I hope that nobody will comment “Omg I wish that happened to me”. I will rub your face on a cheese grater and wash it with lemon juice.
I thought that when my boyfriend left, I’d spend all my time playing The Sims so I could distract myself with pretending he’s still close and doing things with me. Instead I just find myself playing Skyrim endlessly with my Amazon (Nord) lady who married a chick and hates men, so she refuses to be nice to guys or even take male followers (it’s a character, not my views, I like to roleplay). It’s proving to be entertaining so far.
Since last week I’ve begun picking up work again for my sister-like-friend-who’s-also-my-client (I can say this is the best work relationship I’ve ever had). There have been many angry rants about ridiculous clients with more ridiculous demands that are fit to go straight to Clients From Hell. There’s also a whole lot of fun stuff such as writing articles and making pretty graphics. It feels good to be back to work.
One of my cats has a hot spot on her back leg that she manages to get to despite wearing a cone. My boyfriend gave me money for a vet visit but so far I’ve been unable to get an appointment made, so I’m holding on to that for the time being. Stupid ultra-flexible cat.
I don’t want to do dishes.