Taking deep breaths now

I’m hitting a rough patch and I’m bracing myself for a wild ride this week. Last night I stayed up until 4am because I couldn’t relax enough. I started my dad’s Christmas socks and finished the toes before putting them down and going to bed. Once in bed I was so tense I kept making my heartbeat extremely irregular because I didn’t breathe deep enough. It took over an hour for me to fall asleep. I didn’t have group until 12:30pm so I figured I could sleep until 11-11:30 and take a shower without rushing too much.

Then 9:30 rolled around and someone knocked on my door, startling me awake. I didn’t expect anyone, and that has proven to be ‘bad news’ in the past. I fell into instant panic mode and stayed still in bed pretending I wasn’t home (I sleep in the nude so there’s no point in dressing and going to the door because that takes too long anyway) while my heart was going frantic. I was afraid it was a debt collector or someone from real estate about my rent or something else off the charts life changing.

I could hear the man dial a number on his phone and my downstairs neighbor answered (hooray for thin floors?). It still took me 5 minutes to realize that if that person dialed my neighbor’s number, they must have mixed up the doors and were actually there for my neighbor, that’s how deep I was stuck in my panic attack.

My boyfriend was still awake and I texted him until I calmed down, then I passed out again until 11:30. I got up, showered, dressed and went to group. I worked more on the socks and helped two other women in the group with their knitting. I’m still stupidly tense and exhausted. Not a surprise, I’ve felt this coming for a while, I fully expect more panic attacks over benign shit but it doesn’t help that much when one strikes. :/

I’m going to throw myself at these socks, I think. The yarn is an absolute gorgeous blend of grays, pale blue and teal that makes me happy to look at, so I’ve got that going for me!

Cats and burritos

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Yesterday was supposed to be burrito day. I ended up taking a nap at 3pm that somehow turned into a 12 hour coma, so I missed dinner and woke up hungry at 3am. I spent a couple of hours loitering on the internet and then did dishes while watching a Yogscast playlist: Minecraft – Hole Diggers on my tablet. (Got to do something to make chores fun, right?)

So when 9am rolled around, I figured it was time for a little breakfast. Fixed up some meat with bell pepper and corn, burrito seasoning and made myself a very awkward wrap with grated cheese, garlic sauce and bunches of lettuce. In case you hadn’t noticed, I don’t know how to wrap burritos. I actually looked up a YouTube video that taught me how to after I took the picture! Once the filling cools down, I’m wrapping 4 more burritos to keep in the fridge for later today and tomorrow. (Maybe I can even freeze them!)

What I don’t understand is what makes a burrito filling so dang interesting for my tuxedo cat. I can leave all sorts of food on the stove and she won’t touch it, but the second I leave some burrito filling in the pan I can’t turn around or she’s eating away at it. It’s so bizarre. The only thing I can think of is that the seasoning is especially attractive. Or my cat’s just really really weird.

Warm and cozy

Wow, No updates for a couple of days, but it feels like an eternity!

My knitting projects have been on temporary hold for the time being. I think I got a little too enthusiastic about it and burned myself out. They’re silently judging me right above my keyboard all day long, but I continue waiting for my inspiration to return.

Granted I got some less appealing news this week and have been consistently tired no matter how much I sleep. And boy do I sleep poorly. I notice a solid pattern in one week being pretty awesome, and the next being utter crap.

On the bright side, as my previous exhilarating post suggested, my boyfriend finally got his care package! We talked on Skype and he unpacked it right in front of the webcam. Christmas came early for him this year. He instantly put on the socks (they’re a perfect fit by the way, our feet are exactly the same and it makes knitting socks so much easier) as well as the scarf.

There were some personal gifts in the box too, besides the knitted stuff and the candy. He loved everything in it except for the licorice. I kind of expected that to be honest. He told me he didn’t like black licorice, but it’s a pretty traditional Dutch candy and I couldn’t leave it out.

I feel like writing more, but I’m pretty tired. I’m going to try and relax for a while. I might write another post later.

Then there’s the good

So my boyfriend doesn’t have to work today after all. I slept a couple of hours while we were on Skype and have enjoyed coffee and warm rolls.

Boyfriend’s caught a bug and isn’t feeling well. It’s been 12 hours since he took some Nyquil and went to sleep, and I don’t have the heart to wake him even though I’ve nobody else to talk to right now and I’m bored out of my mind.

I have three cats, and all of them have caught a cold as well. Lots of sneezing, wet kitty noses and projectile snot going everywhere. Am I the only one who’s not physically sick?

Thankfully none of them have a fever or discharge from the eyes. They eat and drink properly and they’re just not as active as usual, but still alert and running around. I’m not that worried anymore.

Here’s to health!

Not sure I’m glad it’s Friday

To be honest, this week has been the worst for me in quite some time. There’s so much stress I sometimes feel I’m going to burst and my inner self will just goo all over the place like an overdue Halloween decoration. Let’s see if I can compose a list of things.

– Boyfriend had duty Monday, slept all day and night Wed>Thurs, has a 90% chance of working Saturday and has duty again on Sunday. I know this hardly sounds like the end of the world, but as someone dependent on some sort of structure, sudden changes are hard to digest.

– Power went out again and I had to deal with crazy neighbors because our electrical situation is terrible with no solution in the foreseeable future. I’m afraid to turn on my lights for fear the main fuse will blow, nevermind heat up something in the microwave or use my oven.

– My internet keeps dropping constantly. I’m so sick of it. It happens at times when I need it the least, and it’s eaten deeply into my time with my boyfriend and my overseas friends. I’m smart, I studied IT, I can fix almost any computer problem, but networking can get pretty far out of my league. I’m at my wit’s end here because I can’t find any reason why it’s not working the way it should. It’s driving me insane.

– Panic attacks. Oh lord the panic attacks. I just can’t relax or get my mind off my looping thoughts and I’m so tense I make it hard for myself to breathe and I don’t even realize it.

– Sleep is a pretty fleeting something. I’m so tired but I have nightmares or uncomfortable dreams the moment I close my eyes. What little sleep I get usually isn’t regenerating in the least. If I take sleeping pills I don’t function for two days straight so they’re not an option if I want to keep my head straight(ish).

– Depression is sending me into bouts of extreme unhappiness. I’m not saying I’m suicidal, because I’m not sick enough yet to defy my brain’s instinct for survival. I do however constantly question my value and purpose as a human being and I’m seeing situations from the most negative viewpoint possible. I’ve broken down almost every day this week and unloaded onto my boyfriend or my close friend because I don’t understand why they stick to someone so broken as me. It just becomes too much when I put everything together. Sometimes it seems easier to stay in bed and not get up ever again. So what if I starve to death? Worse ways to die. Eventually I drag myself out for the sake of the people around me, but if it was up to me alone I wouldn’t.

I’m tired. So tired. I had three good moments this week that lasted about 30 minutes total. I feel like I’m stuck in a tar pit for the rest of it with no way out.

I’m still in bed right now. I messed up something fierce last night with a bunch of people and I don’t even know how to begin facing them. I can’t tell whether I was right or wrong. I can’t tell if the thoughts and suspicions in my head are in any way even remotely valid. I’ve lost my perception of where my depression fueled thoughts end my rational thoughts begin. I want to hide and pretend I don’t exist so I don’t have to keep breaking my head over this.