My bleary eyes

I haven’t had such a bad week in a long time. I kinda knew it was coming, my depression is like an ocean tide with the occasional, ship sinking storm every now and then. It was really quiet for a long time, and I think the morphine was just making me too tired to be worked up.

I haven’t touched my mailbox is nearly two weeks. My anxiety makes me nauseated just thinking about it; I don’t know what I’m expecting to be in there, but my gut is wrenching so terribly I have to count to 10 and take a deep breath so I won’t get an all out attack. I’m trying to get myself to grab what’s inside tomorrow afternoon, after I go to the farmer’s market for my weekly fish and fruit. If I tell myself I don’t have to open anything yet, just get it inside, maybe it’ll be easier to get past this threshold.

My mood is… very unstable. I have moments where I’m laughing with my friends, and then I remember that one friend hasn’t spoken to me since January and I can’t get a hold of him. I’ve left him messages in multiple places and I can barely keep myself from crying because he’s not getting them. I can’t help but wonder if I did something wrong, and I don’t know what I’ll do if I did do something wrong. I just wish he’d talk to me about it. I feel so forgotten. He’s been there for me through everything while my boyfriend has been deployed and I don’t know if I’d made it without him.

Then the other day, someone posted a suicide threat on this community I’m a part of. This place is not known for this kind of content and pretty ‘safe’, so I was unprepared. I’m still undecided how genuine it was, but that didn’t change the fact it put my mood even deeper into the ground and made me remember all the times I faced potential suicide myself. It’s not a fun place to go, and I was shaken and cried in bed for a while after telling this girl to call a help line. She apologized today, and I messaged her in private to offer some advice, but I could have done without.

To top it off I’m sick as well. I keep sneezing, which hurts my back so much I start crying. A herniated disc and a cold is such a terrible combination, I don’t wish this upon anyone ever. The fun part is that shark week will begin any day now. Isn’t my life a nice bundle of fucking roses right now?

It would be unfair of me to not mention the good that has happened though. Last weekend, my boyfriend was in port in Hawaii. We got to Skype a little bit before our connections had both forsaken us. We texted the remainder of the time and I realized how accustomed I’ve become to not having him around. It’s kind of scary how you just end up… ‘moving on’, so to say. I explained to him that when he fell out of my daily routine, I started to put other things in that space where he was and I will need time to readjust to having him back when he gets home. I’m so enormously grateful that he understands this. There are many who wouldn’t be so accepting.

He’ll be back home soon, and that is pretty exciting regardless of how down I feel. He’s going to get his phone fixed, he’s applying for college, engineering and he’s buying a car from a buddy. He told me to get lots of sleep on Tuesday so I’m pretty sure it won’t be long until he’s home. He’s taking leave immediately after arrival, so hopefully we’ll get to spend a lot of time together.

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Trying to ease the burden

Feeling infuriated and exhausted, I hate how people make you suffer for no reason. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning to get a referral to a therapist and in-house counseling/help, as well as ask for a second opinion on combining medication with therapy because my suicidal thoughts are scaring the shit out of me. I talked to my sister about it and she agrees that if medication can help me out where the rest falls short I should go for it.

While I’m dealing with that after possibly the second most stressful and scary (and drugged) day of the year, I have a friend in a similar boat who’s trying to get help as well. She’s a stunningly good artist but also struggles to function in day to day life. To help fund her medical bills for the help she needs she’s taking donations and commissions.

If you have some money to spare, please help out a brave and beautiful soul by donating/commissioning her if you love her art as much as I do, or sharing this DeviantArt journal on your social media feeds to help spread the word. She deserves it.

“I need your help, if you can…”

It’s not always a choice

Yesterday, I wrote a Facebook post where I described how suicide is not a choice, that suicide is not an act of cowardice in response to several statements about Robin Williams’ death. Labeling suicide a choice is equally as damaging as promoting it as a path to freedom – it makes it sound like someone who even only thinks of suicide is a coward, that they should ‘toughen up’ and deal with it, when that is just not how it works. It makes people feel hesitant and afraid to reach out because this is the equivalent of being brushed aside and labeled all sorts of demeaning things.

Someone whom I considered a friend took it upon themselves to comment on this post and let me know that RW was a coward for ‘taking the easy way out’. Apparently that was necessary in order to let us all know that his family suffers from what happened and that we should treat him as lesser for doing what he did. They linked me to an article that started with ‘I can’t comprehend it’ [suicide], but then apparently the author magically turns into an expert who speaks for all depressed and suicidal people. He makes similar claims while contradicting himself at numerous turns.

When I attempted to explain to my friend that suicide is not a choice, that it’s not a cowardly thing to do, they ignored my personal experiences and insisted on letting me know they know exactly what depression is from first-hand experience, even though they’ve never gone through it themselves – their girlfriend does. I’m sorry, but depression is such a complex condition that differs from person to person, you can’t really make a generalized claim, and you definitely cannot fully comprehend what it means to go through it if you never have. You can read up on it, you can gather information from different sources, but you can’t tell me that you know exactly what it’s like to be, for example, on LSD if you’ve never taken it. Depression and suicidal thoughts are no different. There’s a huge difference between knowing about it and having experienced it, and often knowing about it isn’t enough to form proper opinions.

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Heartache

This post is likely going to drown in the massive amounts of posts about Robin William’s death. There will be many who have more insightful and touching things to say about it, but I need to get this off my chest either way.

I’ve felt shock and sorrow at some celebrities deaths before, but I’ll be honest and say that if most celebrities were to die today, I wouldn’t think more than ten seconds about it. I have no connection or any special thoughts about most of them, whether it’s because I don’t care for their work or they just never left an impression. When I heard of Robin Williams’ death tonight, I struggled to keep my tears from flowing and failed miserably ten minutes later. My gut instinct was to deny this news. It’s a hoax, for sure. Just some satirical website that took things too far. Then more sources kept popping up to verify these claims and I had to face reality: we lost something great today.

It would hurt less if he’d been hit by a car or suffered some other unfortunate accident. At the time of writing, it remains unconfirmed whether his death was a suicide or not, but all signs point towards it. I will assume this to be true until reports indicate otherwise. It hurts to think that a man who brought so much laughter, life and joy into our lives was so miserable that he couldn’t continue living any longer. That this was his last resort. He was so immensely loved by so many that he made complete strangers bawl their eyes out over his passing. But even all this love was not enough. Depression is an awful disease, one I’m too familiar with, and perhaps that’s why it hits home so hard.

“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

I really like this quote. I wish it would have helped him as it has helped me. He was a man who had everything – a loving wife, loving children, a successful career, all the money he could have wanted and all the means necessary to aid him in overcoming his problems. And yet it shows that the illness can run so deep that even the happiest person who has it all sees nothing worth living for.

I will miss him a lot. My future included many more movies, animations and stand ups featuring this man to brighten my days and help me get through whatever I may struggle with. I feel part of me was stolen from me. I can’t even imagine what his family and close friends must be going through right now.

I hope he found the peace he wanted and that his family will be able to move on and live full, happy lives.